Death · Love · Uncategorized

Suicide and Bad Dreams 5/19/18

Sometimes I dream of stars

and I hear water bubbling

and I think about our memories

then they dissipate



into dust.


Sometimes I dream of you sleeping

I sit beside you and try to speak

then the dust spills from my mouth

and onto your face

I try to clean it up

but I’m smearing the dust into your eyes

as they fill with blood and tears

then you turn to water

and I hear bubbling.


I wake up in a pool of sweat beside you

and roll over to face you.


I want to cry on your shoulder.

I want hold you forever.

I want to scream at you,

punch a hole in a wall.

I want to shake you,

until those thoughts stop forever



Instead I get and get a glass of water

and for just a second,

I hear bubbling.


Bad Dreams.

Everyday Life

Gloop Gloop 5/13/2018

At the breath of life

I needed a drink,

so she handed me

a gloop gloop


At the growth of osul

I needed a spark

so she past right on

her interests


As the coming man

I needed a refuge

so she sat me down

and healed me


now battered and bruised

I now my truth

and move with all my might

towards sweet sparkling light

my dream in darkest night.


and yet sweet mother

of all the sparkling dreams,

of all the wondrous queens,

nothing could ever mean,

more to me than you

cause you got me a





Happy Mother’s Day.

Guest Photographer · Love · Nature

Down to Earth 5/11/18

The best part of me

is also the worst

always in my head

always far away


Dreaming of stories

playing fantasy

never in the now

never truly here


All the more wildly I need,


a heavenly body

to pull me to earth

a true dream girl

to wake me right up


a soul like yours


to keep me present

show me whats around


pull me down


deeper down


to earth, this wonderful earth

to life, this wonderful life

to this moment,

here with you,


my beautiful love.

Death · Everyday Life

The 3 Gates of Hell. (written by a correctional officer, a friend, and a human)

If only if only…


If only if only they could see what I’ve seen


If only if only they could hear what I’ve heard


If only if only they could smell what I have smelled


They would know why I don’t tell anyone how I feel. I protect them by letting them

think all is well in the world when In reality it is truly not.


You haven’t lived until you have smelled that fresh blood smell


You haven’t lived until you have tangled with death


Once you smell fresh blood you stop living though


You haven’t lived until you have seen another grown man take another man’s life with his bare hands


You haven’t lived until you’ve seen two men stabbing each other trying take the other’s life, and you willingly jump in the middle to save both of them because well, that’s your job and you secretly enjoy it


You haven’t lived until you run into a 15 man gang fight and have a warning shot fly

past your head on multiple occasions.


You never forget that crack of a .223 flying by your head because the

asshole in the tower has tunnel vision.


You don’t know frustration until you have to walk past maniacs in a cell every half an

hour and get piss and Shit thrown on you and you have to keep walking by.


Do you enjoy the risk?


Do you enjoy the adrenaline?


You don’t want to get hurt but you know if you do get hurt that will give you the excuse to beat the shit out of one of them


You haven’t lived until you have felt that high of being in a life or death situation and coming out on top


There is no greater feeling.


How do you exercise the demons which haunt your every move?


How do you escape the reality of death when it happens In front of you so often?


I’ll tell you sack the fuck up and move out,


The difference between you and everyone else is that you can handle all of it.


It’s almost nothing to you


Is that scary?


Is that bad? That you understand there are bad people in the world and people die?


How do you listen to a grown man brag about raping a toddler and pissing on her, and then go home and joke with your family?


Then how do you see that man nearly an hour later almost beaten to death and you have to try and save his life?


You just FUCKING do it


Is it bad that it’s not hard for you anymore? That you don’t give a Shit?


Your only goal is to protect them, so you vowed to yourself to never share those stores with them.


The only scars I have from working in a prison are the mental scares. I got out lucky, and I got out in time.


I can deal with the mental scares because no one can see them, so it is easy to move on in life.


It’s a lot easier pretending you’re fine when you wake up from a nightmare, rather than telling them what it was about.


You can’t Imagine the look on their face if you were to tell them.


Once you see another man try and take another’s life you stop living


The world stops right?


Nope you just go home and pretend you didn’t Just witness a tragedy


You do it to protect them, because you know you can handle bottling it up more than they can handle hearing those words come from your mouth.


How do you do a round at midnight in the pitch black and see a man swinging from a rope by his neck in his cell and his face as purple as midnight itself with his lifeless eyes peering into my soul as if his is trying to find a place to go. Then go home a few hours later and laugh and joke over breakfast.


The day I witnessed another man lunge and continuously drive a sharp piece of metal into the other’s neck/face I stopped living, my world stopped turning.


But didn’t anyone else’s world stop along with mine?


What’s insane isn’t these men. It’s the fact that I am okay with keeping all these memories to myself to protect the people around me. It gives me joy knowing I am protecting them from hell on earth.


If god exists why does he allow things like this to happen?


If god doesn’t exist why isn’t there a god to prevent things like this from happening?


The sooner you accept the universe is a cold dark place that doesn’t give a Shit about you is the day you really start living, because you realize none of it matters.


Again, I am okay with keeping it all inside because I know I can handle it.


If only if only they could see what I’ve seen


if only if only they could hear what I’ve heard.


If only if only they could smell what I’ve smelled.


Maybe they would understand why I can’t sleep anymore or why I awaken every night sweating and trying to be quiet because I am embarrassed.


If only if only they knew what I was protecting them from…


If only if only…

Love · Uncategorized

WHY I LOVE ALAYNA (and why you should too) 4/30/18

Alayna has such a positive effect on this world. Every day, in so many ways, she helps and HEALS people. She has dedicated her life to it. Professionally, she works TWO jobs helping abused women and people with disabilities. All the while she kick’s school butt on her way to become a social worker so she can help even more people. Her natural talent at listening heals all her friends in their times of need, and lord knows, it has helped me at some of my lowest points.

She is outrageously fun. She is sassy and spunky, and being around her is addictively wonderful.

She is intelligent and deep, every day she teaches me and broadens my horizons/perspective.

She has a strength I have never experienced. She deals with so much every day, and has been through such steel obstacles. Yet endures and accomplishes true greatness.

She is an absolute wonder.

I love Alayna more and more every day, and you should too.


Cheerios 4/28/18

I see my grandma

in the best parts of myself

like crops that were only allowed to grow

because her pure and innate love

planted the seed.


In times of turmoil

In times of useless atrophy

I think of wondrous stories

I once again become the child that used his grandma’s cane

as a pirate sword, rocket ship, lazer gun, or dance partner,

the ornate colors of my imaginations

weave tapestries that brighten my life,

all because she fostered that creativity

all because this woman spent her afternoon

with me and my brother

being dinosaurs, fighting crime, and sailing seas


she taught me to take the ideas in my hand

and make them a reality,


and that lesson allows me to create the things

that give my life purpose and passion


so should I ever do anything of importane

it is because she showed me

how to forge brilliance and wonder

from ideas in my head,


and even though she won’t witness

the culmination of her influences,

even though she won’t witness

the things I create,


I believe that in a way, she has already seen them


As a sophomore in high school

I first learned to code, HTML,

I made a box appear on a computer,

I told it how big to be,

I told it what color to be,

I was lit on fire


Directly after school, I raced to her apartment that day

and made her a little website,

explained every line of commands

and what they did,


obviously she had no clue what I was saying,

her computer knowledge started and ended

with solitaire..


but still,

she saw that spark in me,

and I believe she has already

seen all the technological creations I will make.


and even though she won’t hear the musicality

in the lines of my poetry

even though she won’t see the face

of the loved ones I read poems to


I believe she already heard it


I went to her apartment often,

and every time I played her songs

on that little keyboard


and sure I was no Beethoven,

and more often than not

that keyboard eventually ended in DJ mode

where I played her an “Avante Garde”

symphony of record scratches, lazer sounds,

and whatever noises I discovered the keyboard made that day


but still,

she saw that gift in me

and I believe she’s already heard

every song and poem I’ll ever write,


she unlocked my creativity

she became the canvas

I painted my dreams upon


Nan I see you

in the best parts of me,

the only parts I like,

you are the reason I dream,

you are the reason I create,

your influence brightened my world

and I will love you

and carry you with me



Thanks for listening.

Everyday Life · Guest Photographer · Nature

Limp Again 4/24/18

I am running fast enough

to never catch my breath

build, create, dismantle

until I’ve nothing left


step, turn, and step again

I run further on,

break my legs

and limp for days

never noticing the ponds


I run too hard

and hurt myself

I’ll probably do it again

bathe in blood, and sweat, and sin

why did I begin?


oh so fast,

I limp again,


I pray life slows me down.

If it can only teach itself

or learn a method how.


thin tether 4/23/18

In my life, I have only truly loved three women:


My high school sweetheart,

a burning flame with a college crush,


and now

your daughter.


Losing a love is hard

and it destroys your soul

a little more every time


but I was never prepared me for the lost of their families.


Their mother became my mother,

caring for me in their own special ways

showing me love


Their father became my father

showing me how to be a better man

welcoming me


Their little brother became my little brother

to guide and mentor

looking up to me


And just like those loves

their families too,

faded into void



yet vivid.


now, every interaction with your family

every breathe of kindnes

sends a shiver of fear down the core of my being


for our connection is but a tether,

to be cut



at the first sign of trouble.